Reegan – Phantasmagoria

I know you’re going to lock me up. And I know it doesn’t matter what I say. I’m not trying to get out of this…like some desperate criminal. But if you think I’m gonna just quietly leave you with a bunch of twisted assumptions about myself you couldn’t be more wrong.

(beat, taking a breath)

I don’t think you realize just how many people relied on me. They needed my clinic. And before you’re investigators got their grubby hands all over it, it looked beautiful. Books on every shelf. First edition. Any genre. For the one’s who liked to quiet their minds. But I don’t think any of you here could appreciate the escapism of that. It wasn’t like some stupid slasher film in there. I fixed up actual beds with quilt blankets I sewed by hand. The wall paper was nice, the tiles were nice, I even managed to get a grand piano in there, for those who wanted…needed it in with them as they went to sleep.

(standing up, burgeoning anger)

I didn’t kill them! They wanted me to! They all wanted me too! Not one was forced or tricked…what would I gain from killing them all anyway! They were adults, responsible consenting adults in pain. No, they didn’t dump their life stories on me! It wasn’t any of my goddamn business. They only told me what was required for protocol and I helped them. I saw the way some looked. The eyes are what tip me off, you know someone’s really going through some shit based on what’s in their eyes. How they hold themselves, how they scramble to hide the fact that they just can’t take any more of life in front of you. Well in front of me. It was always in front of me. And I was like a mother to them in their last moments. And no mother would murder her children.

You’re part of the problem you know. Have you seen what it’s like out there? The streets are festering with helpless experiments you can’t get rid of. You created those things in the first place and their losing their minds because you didn’t think about what you did forcing them into this existence. It’s a pig sty everywhere you go too. Those environmentalists are laughing it up now I bet.

(becoming more manic)

You were the one’s killing them!

They come to me because they couldn’t bear to live in the world you messed up.

It’s not bad. Really. The needle doesn’t hurt…and then this calm washes over you and you can spend the last moments dreaming. In a kind of kaleidoscopic mist. I sent them to heaven early. Or whatever after life you want to call it.

(laughing, shaking)

I’m not really good at much. I…I don’t have a formal education. This was all I had….helping them. Collecting things. You know how rare those books were? All I’m asking is to have one back. Just as a memory. Please. Don’t take this away from me. You have no right. YOUR HAVE NO RIGHT! I was saving them!

It wasn’t murder! They consented! They told me they wanted to die! They told me! I’m not lying I swear. Please…please…believe me. They just wanted someone to have mercy on them. Isn’t that what we all want you’re honor?

(Acceptance)

You’re seeing it in black and white. But you can’t do that in 2055. You can’t see in black and white when everything’s been in shades of grey for so long. Shades of grey that you manufactured and mashed together. Thoughtless children. All of you.

Fine lock me up. I don’t give a shit. But It wasn’t murder.

It was suicide. It was always suicide.

And stop saying “assisted” like it’s a dirty word.